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I didn’t realize
I didn't realize that months later I’d still be sad, that I'd still be angry, that I’d still want to scream out that it isn't fair. I didn’t realize that months later, just a memory would trigger it. Your voice is still clear in my head but it’s all in the past. Like a tape recording, it’s a pure illusion. It’s frozen in time, surreal but a reality all the same.
What is left now? An empty seat to my right? A quiet room? Torn hearts? I didn’t dream of you like I thought I would. There were no signs telling me you were still with me. The last thing I said to you was goodbye but I wish I could have said more. I wish I could have told you what your friendship meant to me. I hope you knew.
I didn’t realized how I’d cry. Most days, not at all. Other days, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I would cry so hard, I’d struggle for air and my breathing would get shallow. I didn’t realize that months from now, it still wouldn’t seem real. I still think of how it happened. I’m haunted by what may have been your last thoughts and sometimes I worry it will drive me insane.
I didn’t realize what my thoughts would turn to. What the hell were you thinking? My anger makes the guilt even worse. I didn’t realize that I’d be torn between the good and bad memories. It doesn’t matter how it happened. The result is the same. It doesn’t matter that it could have been avoided, all that matters is that it wasn’t, and that will never change. The only thing that does matter is that you live on in my heart and I will never forget what that year meant to me and to everyone who knew you.
~ Megan Brese